For Someone Who Knows Me Better Than I Know Myself.

I'm sorry for being such a bitch sometimes. I'm sorry for treating you like shit. I'm sorry for hurting you like you've never hurt before. I'm sorry for believing everyone else instead of you. I'm sorry for not being able to give back what you've given me. I'm sorry for calling you a bullshitter, a liar and everything you're not. I'm sorry for not making you happy.

But I'm glad I have you.

Thankyou for being the best person I've ever known. Thankyou for treating me like no one has treated me before. Thankyou for making me smile when I'm down. Thankyou for listening to everything I say even though I know you don't bother knowing about it. Thankyou for giving me the best any friend can give. Thankyou for making me feel like I'm special and perfect even when I know I'm not. And last of all, thankyou for making me wake up everyday knowing that I'll always have a friend I can rely on.

You've been there for me when I haven't been there for you. You've realised the things about me that I haven't realised myself. You've known all of my weaknesses, but you're still able to call me perfect.

Don't for one second think that you don't deserve anyone perfect. Cause one day, somewhere somehow you'll find someone who puts that smile on your face 25/8 just like you've done for a lot of other people. And damn will that girl be lucky ;)

I love you best friend. You were my Scrump, still my Scrump and always will be my Scrump.

Don't ever change asshole.

Bravery can't be described. Wether it's you being fearless of anything or everything, being a leader and defeating anything on your way, or just someone who everyone is scared of.

But nothing, I repeat nothing defines bravery more than Arpan Palindungan Ade does. None of us may not have spoken to him or known him, but we all feel like we have. The word 'hero' will always remain under his name, for he risked his life to try and save a 13 year old kid. He will for sure rest in peace and is definitely in a better place. He'll always be someone special, someone we'll never forget, and someone who would remain in our hearts forever. You're a legend.

Sei Young Kim, we know you're out there somewhere. Everyone's fingers are crossed for you, hoping that you're safe and sound. Nothing will keep our minds off you xoxo

Wishlist

• Try out all the top 10 scariest thrill rides on the planet.
• Go to the Seoul Tower with a lock, write my name and whoever's and throw away the key.
• Get lost in a city.
• Get kidnapped and taken around Jakarta for one day, seeing every corner of it.
• Vegas when I'm legal to do anything I want.
• Survive 2012.
• Bungee jumping.
• Go on a hot air balloon.
• Stay at the Poseidon Under Sea Resorts.
• Go inside pyramids.
• Go around the world in 80 days.
• Go to unknown places.
• Mr. Right.

London Paris Trip, 2010

“Love is the stupidest thing in the world and it doesn’t mean a thing to me. Because tell me; what does love really do for you? It makes your heart pound 100 miles a minute, makes you cry yourself to sleep at night, makes you wait by the phone just to see if he’ll call, makes you spend money on material things to cover up what’s inside so that maybe he’ll notice you. Love is full of maybe’s; it’s never a sure thing. Love can be lost easily as it is found. Love can turn to hate, jealousy, and greed. Emotions are to be felt, acted upon; to be given and received; love isn’t meant for that. It is only said and words mean nothing.”

- poeticheartache

These past few days have been weird.

Come to think of it, this month has been a stranger to me.

Everyone's changing, everything is. Or maybe it's just me? Whichever's right, I really don't like how things are going. Yeah, I've been sounding like such a pessimist lately. With all those posts about how shit my life seems.

It's not shit. It just seems like it is. I may not have been going through the things anyone else has been through, but for me what I'm going through right now isn't so pleasant. Maybe I'm acting a bit too weird, thinking everyone's not being their usual self. But yeah, I have my opinions and you have yours.

I've realized how many manipulators and fakes I know. You can judge me about how I am, wether I'm a bullshitter or a moaner moaning about my life.

But really, trying to get close to someone just cause you're asking for something? Or trying to put on a miserable face just to ask for everyone's sympathy is simply pa-the-tic. The worst part is, you don't even realize what you're doing and how its affecting everyone around you. But trust me, somewhere out there somehow, someone will realize it for you.

One thing's for sure, it's really hard to trust someone. Or at least know that they'll be there for you no matter what. Don't get me wrong, my friends are awesome and I thank all of you guys for that. But some, just some others? One moment they talk to you, the next they don't even know you exist.

Sometimes, I wish time machines do exist just so that I could go back to those days. Make those good times repeat itself just once. Everything's going too quick and I'm not ready for them to end yet.

Three words: I Hate Changes.

A guy who doesn’t take me to romantic dinners, but takes me around the city and end up eating in a burger restaurant. Capable of making me laugh my ass off, but can be serious in the right situation. Gives me as much trust as I give him. Someone who texts me everyday, but gives me space when I need it. Although I love it when he cares, he should be someone who doesn’t try to change who I am, cause he knows that’s who he fell for in the first place. Someone to make fun of, someone to throw food at, someone who would try to annoy me so much, but whispers I love you when he stops. He’d let me play on his guitar and mess up everytime he tries to teach me. He’d take me out on a field and lay down under the stars, as we start bullshitting for hours about whatever’s on our mind. Someone who laughs at the dumbest things I say and makes me embarrassed. Someone who’s not afraid to throw come backs at me whenever we’re messing around. He’d carry me when I’m drunk and doesn’t complain whenever I just want to have fun. Who would play tag with me, catches me and spins me around, but drops me and lets me fall. Though he kisses me forehead and says “sorry”. He would get jealous by other guys, but understands that I don’t love anyone else but him. Someone who would have movie marathons and popcorns with me, and take turns on choosing a movie as he enjoys it as much as I do. He’d be there when I’m sick, he’d be there when I’m in tears, he’d be there when I’m just bored and need someone to entertain me with his goofy-ness. Someone who looks everything on the bright side and not just be paranoid at everything. Someone with a sick taste in music, someone who’d rather choose to give his own mixed CDs than roses. Someone cheesy in a funny and different way. When everything ends, he’d be glad he made me that happy and knows what’s best for both of us.

“he’s” too much to ask for.

I wish you'd realize.

Honestly, I don’t really know what I’m doing or what I’m asking for. I don’t know what’s going to happen in line for me, nor do I want to know. It’s strange actually, I’m always curious.

Exams are coming up in a week’s time. Wish me luck. I can’t wait to get out of this hellhole. One more year till I can finally start a new life, or at least that’s what I’d like to call it. I love drama, but right now it’s too much for me.

Have you seen movies, where the main character always has their favourite spot to think about things? Or to get away from reality and at least have a chance to fantasize about anything they have in mind? As bizarre as it is, no one would care. No one would tell you to stop daydreaming. You’re in your own little world, nothing matters. Cliché? I know. But it sucks that I can’t find a place like that.

I feel so pressured. Not by a particular someone, but a few. Especially by the two people that I’m supposed to look up to. It seems like everything I do is wrong, home doesn't really seem so sweet after all. I hate feeling this way, it makes it seem like I’m emo or some shit. I loved how things were going at the start of this year, I even thought this could turn out to be a kick ass year. But come to think of it, I’m wrong. I always am. But then again, things can change in a snap of a finger.

There’s always one question that comes up to my mind. Why does it seem like I have everything I ask for, but I’m still not happy? Maybe I’m not the only one, but I wish I wasn’t one of them.

Let’s be honest again shall we?

I smile because it fools people.

A Great Start To A New Decade.

It all seems like a blur. Every second of it.

I can't believe a great deal of things happened in just one week.

I did something stupid.

We almost ended things.

Got in a huge argument with my parents.

Was told to break up.

I ran away.

Weird thing is, none of that seemed to have happened.

Maybe I'm just ignorant. Or maybe it was too much of a stupid thing to do, that I don't even remember doing it.

Whichever it is, it was by far the most craziest decision I've made. I must admit, it was a foolish thing to do. Not only one person went through trouble for me, but a few.

The problem is, I run away from my mistakes. I give up easily. That's a thing I have to work on as long as I do get to live.

I was scared, confused. It all happened too quick and I needed time to think and forget about a few things. So I thought, maybe this IS the only solution. Running away. I thought, that way, my parents would realize what they've done and who they've done it too. Maybe after this they would stop, so no one else would go through the same thing my sister and I did. But then again, maybe this is just the beginning? Like a warm up for something bigger, level one on the trouble-o-meter.

It started out from a phone call that I made. Asked around for help and finally found someone who understands me. They picked me up, I packed my bags, left a letter and there I was. Free, out there on the road. I was shaking, nervous but thrilled about what would happen.

To be honest, I didn't really know where I would be sleeping. I didn't really think about it. I was selfish actually, only thinking about what makes me feel good. Before I ran away? I didn't even think about how people would react to this. Not even my boyfriend.

I kept it a secret, I didn't want anyone knowing and everyone helping me hide. They would end up having to lie about everything. So I thought, that was wrong. Maybe I should just let myself and the ones I was with know. That way, no one else would have to worry about covering for me.

Guess what? I was wrong. Another wrong decision.

I made everyone worried, especially him.

Finally, I found a safe place to stay in. But overnight people didn't give up looking for me. I felt guilty, not even telling the ones I am closest to. I kept thinking it was for the best, maybe just a few more days.

Everything was under control. No one knew where I was or who I was with. Well woops, wrong thought. Eventually, everyone found out. Now everyone was forced to tell the truth.

So there I was, sitting at a doughnut cafe with my boyfriend, confused about what to do next. Too much things was going through my mind.

Him

Me

My parents

My friends

My sister

My future

Urgh, my mind could just blow up any second.

But he made me think, maybe it is time to go home. Maybe a day is enough to prove my parents wrong. But we knew that after this, we would probably never see each other again. Sounds like a cheesy love story, yes I know. But you don't know how it feels like when you're in the moment.

It was so hard to hold my tears, I didn't want him to let go of me. It was the longest yet shortest taxi ride I've experienced.

Now look what happened, I love a twisted happy ending.

What I did? Regret it, but glad I did it.

Ps: Thankyou for everyone that has helped me gone through this, I love you guys and I can't thankyou enough. I'm sorry for everything.

It's Still The Same.

Being fifteen feels the same like any other age. The only difference? Is just growing another wrinkle each day and getting closer to being old and grumpy.

But you know what? Life couldn't get any better than this. One more year till sweet sixteen comes, but I still consider myself as ten years ago. Five.

I still get to jump on my bed, still go on slides and feel the adrenaline rush and who's too old for dolls? I still sleep with them. But nothing completes my age without my friends, him and my family. I love you guys.

I know it's late, but thanks for the birthday wishes ♥

2010

New year.

New life.

New beginning.

Everything seems so quick huh? Seems like just yesterday, it was still 2009. Well yesterday was actually 2009, the last day hour minute and second of it. Me? I can't wait for my new mistakes. All those drama and shit happening all year round. I made a list, a list of what I'm gonna achieve this year. But you know what? I'm gonna chill and see what happens. At the end of the year, I'll tick off which ones do.

12 months more till another year awaits.

Make this a kick ass year, don't waste a single minute of it.

Let's Share A Sad Story.

One night a guy and girl were driving home from the movies. The boy sensed there was something wrong because of the painful silence they shared between them that night. The girl then asked the boy to pull over because she wanted to talk. She told him that her feelings had changed and that it was time to move on.
A silent tear slid down his cheek as he slowly reached into his pocket and passed her a folded note. At that moment, a drunk driver was speeding down that very same street. He swerved right into the drivers seat, killing the boy.
Miraculously, the girl survived. Remembering the note, she pulled it out and read it.
"Without your love, I would die."

Who cares if it's true or not.

Just one question, if I ask you would you answer?

How much do you believe in love?

Maybe I'm just a girl who talks about this too much, but I'll keep going till I understand it.

Forever.

Since Vannya Istarinda posted something like this, and I almost cried reading it. I'm also gonna do an attempt to make this post for you guys.

There's always those people in your life who comes and goes. As close as you are with them, it always ends with small things which leads up to big fights. We've been going through a lot of that, but it won't stop us. Lost one person, not planning on losing another one.

24th of September is when it all started, we've been this close ever since. There have been some ups and downs. But hey, life is like a roller coaster right? And so is friendship, nothing wrong with that.

There has been those crazy times,

sad,

memorable,

unforgettable,

no matter what happens. Wether guys, problems, drama and all that shit gets in the way, you guys would still remain my number one.

What if,

You ran away from home? Then I'll help you pack your bags, and take you to my place.

Someone broke your heart? Then I'll comfort you, even if it means I'd have to leave everything else behind.

You just wanted someone to listen to what you say? Then I'll stay on the phone with you, even if it takes up to 24 hours.

You're missing someone? Then I'll give you a long hug, and tell you they're missing you back.

You were crying? Then I'll have tears too, but try as hard to wipe off yours.

You just needed someone beside you? Then I'll take a cab, and be there in 15 minutes.

You want to have fun? Then I'll take you out, we'll drink some shots, and get fucked up.

You were confused? Then tell me, I'll find a way for you to figure it out.

Name it. I'll be there sweety.

I love you,

for Nadine Kaiser and Sophia Hertzke, I miss you guys and you have no idea how much I do.

"Whoever wishes to keep a secret must hide the fact that he/she possesses one"

Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe (1749-1832) German poet, novelist and dramatist.

There are two kinds of secrets;

Those we keep from others and the ones we hide from ourselves.

Have you tried both?

Maybe I've hid more secrets from myself more than I've hid them from others. It's called not wanting to know the truth. And yes, I've had those moments.

The truth hurts, especially when it's too late to find out. But running away from it won't make it better one bit. I've known people who lies, I know I do myself. Maybe sometimes it's better not knowing than knowing something's wrong. It's tempting yes, just not the way it should be.

Like they say, the truth will always reveal itself even if it takes time. Secrets are meant to be kept silent, but there's always a point where it should break out.

I admit, I've tried running away from the truth more than I've counted. I think it's time to realize that there's nothing wrong with hearing the 'bad news'. Instead it can give us a sense, another way of seeing things, and most importantly we can take a lesson from it.

You'll find out, somehow.

I Want It Back.

Have you ever lost someone's trust? Someone who you think is the most important person in your life? Just anyone. I have, to the last person I should be losing it to.
She would always trust me when I was small, and it felt good. I felt like the all time goody-two-shoe. Pathetic I know, but hey honestly I sort of miss being one. I have totally forgotten how it all started, but I became more out of control until it reached to a point where my mom said I've lost it. It seems like just a second ago she would think that I could never lie to her, but now there's no going back to those days.
Yeah, it hurts hearing those words straight from your own mother. But I don't blame her, I blame myself. I admit, I have been doing the dumbest things in just a matter of three years. And now come to think of it, I think it hurts even more to be her. After all those years she's trusted me with, I lost it in a second just cause I wanted to fit in. As much as I want to, I can't stop now. Its gotten me a little bit carried away.
I hate her, most of the time. Everytime I try to earn that trust back, it seems like she won't let me. Now all that's left is just arguments and non-stop fights. In the end we say sorry, but it goes back to the beginning and the same thing repeats itself. The hardest part? Is seeng her cry and hear her telling me how much I've hurt her.
I just wish I could take it all back, everything I've done to her. She doesn't deserve it, I know. She deserves so much better. I get it now, why she's been treating me like sh*t. To make me realize how hard it is to earn someone's trust back, especially someone you'd sacrifice yourself for. Which I know she would do.
I'm sorry mom, I love you.

"Lovers love, liars lie"

It's as simple as that. So why should you try to hide it when everyone knows? See, a small lie can end up turning into a big one. Once you're caught in it, there's no going back. But hey, I admit. I do lie sometimes, who doesn't? It just depends on what situation you use the term 'lie' in. So you wouldn't get caught by your parents? Normal. So you would get away with forgetting to do your homework? Pfft no questions about that. So you can play two people at once, or even more? Then wow, you're fucked.
I don't blame you for anything. Just the fact that you're wasting someone's time, when I'm sure it can be given to someone else who really deserves it. Those words you say can really put a charm on someone, more like a spell actually.
'She/he's rich' or 'She/he's hot' or 'Wow everyone will be jealous'. Does that sound familiar? To me, it really does. Trust me, when you say something like that in a relationship with someone then you should take a look at what 'relationships' mean in the dictionary. Not saying that you have no idea what love is, cause hey even I don't. But what I'm saying is, everything shouldn't always be about what's on the outside. It's the inside that counts way more.
If you know someone who's the opposite of that, then you're lucky. If you belong to someone who's the opposite of that, then you're really lucky. But if you know for sure you're the opposite of that, then you're by far the luckiest and I envy you, cause even I dont know for sure myself. So I'll let you judge me, just this once.

Lovers? Keep loving.

Okay, so I'm bored.




Enough said.

Who doesn't want it?

A Sum Up.

I've been trying to think of a new post for two days, but I still have no idea what to write about. This is just some post about my thoughts over those past two days.
So it's been more than two months now since I found out about everything. As much as it seems like it hasn't been hard for me for those who doesn't read my blog and to 'him', to be honest? It has been. Especially the fact that he still won't stop going on about it, which makes everything even harder than it has been. One thing you should know, if you know you're wrong then don't go around pretending that you have nothing to do with it and start blaming other people for your own actions. Don't ever ask for sympathy, incase you haven't realized no one would care. I know this is harsh, but if you're one of those people then you should learn to grow up. As hard as you try to win someone back, that's not the way to do it.
But I have realized one thing, or two.
One? That none of the above is worth worrying. Maybe I have been wasting those two months thinking about it, but I'm glad I have friends who's been there for me. It's over, and I know for sure he's wrong. Then why should I be all depressed about it right? Yes I know I'm a hypocrite, cause I did show all my emotions in my previous posts. But I promised myself not to delete them, just so that I could take a look back at those days. I did delete one post though, there was a reason for it.
Two? That there could be someone way better, by miles. He's that one person that could really make you feel like you're the luckiest girl living. But if he doesn't feel the same way, then I'm lucky enough to know someone like him. I shouldn't be falling for someone this fast, but in this case I guess I'm a loser at that game.
It's funny how a lot of things can really change or happen in just two days, but I'm glad it did.
Oh by the way, NADDY'S HERE! She said she wanted to 'surprise' us, well she did. I thought I was dreaming yesterday when she suddenly appeared in school, I swear I tried pinching myself a few times ha ha. But too bad she's leaving this Friday, I'm gonna miss her :(