I Want It Back.

Have you ever lost someone's trust? Someone who you think is the most important person in your life? Just anyone. I have, to the last person I should be losing it to.
She would always trust me when I was small, and it felt good. I felt like the all time goody-two-shoe. Pathetic I know, but hey honestly I sort of miss being one. I have totally forgotten how it all started, but I became more out of control until it reached to a point where my mom said I've lost it. It seems like just a second ago she would think that I could never lie to her, but now there's no going back to those days.
Yeah, it hurts hearing those words straight from your own mother. But I don't blame her, I blame myself. I admit, I have been doing the dumbest things in just a matter of three years. And now come to think of it, I think it hurts even more to be her. After all those years she's trusted me with, I lost it in a second just cause I wanted to fit in. As much as I want to, I can't stop now. Its gotten me a little bit carried away.
I hate her, most of the time. Everytime I try to earn that trust back, it seems like she won't let me. Now all that's left is just arguments and non-stop fights. In the end we say sorry, but it goes back to the beginning and the same thing repeats itself. The hardest part? Is seeng her cry and hear her telling me how much I've hurt her.
I just wish I could take it all back, everything I've done to her. She doesn't deserve it, I know. She deserves so much better. I get it now, why she's been treating me like sh*t. To make me realize how hard it is to earn someone's trust back, especially someone you'd sacrifice yourself for. Which I know she would do.
I'm sorry mom, I love you.

"Lovers love, liars lie"

It's as simple as that. So why should you try to hide it when everyone knows? See, a small lie can end up turning into a big one. Once you're caught in it, there's no going back. But hey, I admit. I do lie sometimes, who doesn't? It just depends on what situation you use the term 'lie' in. So you wouldn't get caught by your parents? Normal. So you would get away with forgetting to do your homework? Pfft no questions about that. So you can play two people at once, or even more? Then wow, you're fucked.
I don't blame you for anything. Just the fact that you're wasting someone's time, when I'm sure it can be given to someone else who really deserves it. Those words you say can really put a charm on someone, more like a spell actually.
'She/he's rich' or 'She/he's hot' or 'Wow everyone will be jealous'. Does that sound familiar? To me, it really does. Trust me, when you say something like that in a relationship with someone then you should take a look at what 'relationships' mean in the dictionary. Not saying that you have no idea what love is, cause hey even I don't. But what I'm saying is, everything shouldn't always be about what's on the outside. It's the inside that counts way more.
If you know someone who's the opposite of that, then you're lucky. If you belong to someone who's the opposite of that, then you're really lucky. But if you know for sure you're the opposite of that, then you're by far the luckiest and I envy you, cause even I dont know for sure myself. So I'll let you judge me, just this once.

Lovers? Keep loving.

Okay, so I'm bored.




Enough said.

Who doesn't want it?

A Sum Up.

I've been trying to think of a new post for two days, but I still have no idea what to write about. This is just some post about my thoughts over those past two days.
So it's been more than two months now since I found out about everything. As much as it seems like it hasn't been hard for me for those who doesn't read my blog and to 'him', to be honest? It has been. Especially the fact that he still won't stop going on about it, which makes everything even harder than it has been. One thing you should know, if you know you're wrong then don't go around pretending that you have nothing to do with it and start blaming other people for your own actions. Don't ever ask for sympathy, incase you haven't realized no one would care. I know this is harsh, but if you're one of those people then you should learn to grow up. As hard as you try to win someone back, that's not the way to do it.
But I have realized one thing, or two.
One? That none of the above is worth worrying. Maybe I have been wasting those two months thinking about it, but I'm glad I have friends who's been there for me. It's over, and I know for sure he's wrong. Then why should I be all depressed about it right? Yes I know I'm a hypocrite, cause I did show all my emotions in my previous posts. But I promised myself not to delete them, just so that I could take a look back at those days. I did delete one post though, there was a reason for it.
Two? That there could be someone way better, by miles. He's that one person that could really make you feel like you're the luckiest girl living. But if he doesn't feel the same way, then I'm lucky enough to know someone like him. I shouldn't be falling for someone this fast, but in this case I guess I'm a loser at that game.
It's funny how a lot of things can really change or happen in just two days, but I'm glad it did.
Oh by the way, NADDY'S HERE! She said she wanted to 'surprise' us, well she did. I thought I was dreaming yesterday when she suddenly appeared in school, I swear I tried pinching myself a few times ha ha. But too bad she's leaving this Friday, I'm gonna miss her :(

"Love Drunk"

The top down in the summer sun
The day we met was like a hit an run
An I still taste it on my tongue
The sky was burning up like fireworks
You made me want you oh so bad it hurt
But boy, in case you haven’t heard

I used to be love drunk
But now I’m hungover
I’ll love you forever
Forever is over
So don’t call me crying
Say hello to goodbye
Cause Just one thing would make me say
I used to be love drunk
But now I’m hungover
Ill love you forever
But now it’s over

All the time I wasted on you
All the bullshit you put me through
Checking into rehab is everything that we had
Didn’t mean a thing to you.

- Love Drunk, Boys Like Girls

"People are like a Rubik's cube. Easy to mess up, but hard to fix." Adella Bahar

Long Distance.

One thing I know about long distance? It sucks.
Well not exactly. Hmm actually, no its not. Long distance can really make you realize how much you love someone. No matter how far they are, or how hard it is to talk to them because of the time difference, it would always make you realize how much you miss them every second of every minute of every hour of every day. It is hard, but not for those who are really devoted to one another. Instead, they can cope with every situation no matter how difficult it can get. Don't forget, distance doesn't matter. It's really about how much you love the person, and what matters most is your honesty and trust for that relationship to work out.
But what if, in the end it ends just like that?
Then go back a few pages and ask yourself,

were you really in love?

I ' m j u s t s i c k o f p e o p l e t a l k i n g crap t o m e , e s p e c i a l l y you.

Learnt A Lesson.

I remember the first time I got drunk, and with who. But I won't mention names cos I know it'll make conflicts.
It was last year over the summer holidays, when he just got expelled and he was visiting Jakarta. They called me all of a sudden and asked if I could go hang out with them, so what the heck I said yes. I missed hanging out with them anyways, and he hardly comes to Jakarta. It was either a saturday or a friday, two days left till school started. I asked them who else was coming, and they said a bunch of people so I assumed it was going to be something big.
They picked me up around seven and we went to Senayan City since I had no idea what was going to happen, I just went with the flow. It was normal at first. We sat, talked, you know the usual stuff.
Then, they took me to Soho and started ordering drinks. But I knew I had to stay sober so I refused a bunch of times and plus, I haven't eaten at all that day. Since I didn't have a ride home, one of them said that they won't take me home and that I would have to use the taxi. But fuck no, it was late, I was 13 and I was the only girl. So eventually, I took a shot. At first I thought it was disgusting, but somehow I wanted one more. So I did, at least one more. And since I haven't eaten at all, it was easy for me to get dizzy just after two shots. But at that point, I totally forgot but screw it. I was more than tipsy but still less than drunk. After that I didn't remember a thing.
A week later people started asking me if I was okay that week, and I realized that I got on my msn and started swearing randomly at people. Two people called me, and they said I was shouting. There was also a time when I called three of my friends while I was in the car with the guys, screaming and shouting. I had no idea why I did that. But I tried to pretend that nothing happened.
Not long after that, he called and told me everything. He even confessed that he was going to... I won't go into that, but thank God it didn't happen. He said he thought about it and realized that if he'd done that and I found out it would ruin our friendship. I know how hard it is to tell the truth, so thanks for eventually telling me :)
Think twice before you drink, don't just do it because you're pressured. Make sure you're with the people you trust and it's what you want.

37.

First, you added me.
Second, we got talking.
Third, we started calling.
Fourth, we got close.
Fifth, you asked if you could be my brother.
Sixth, I said yes.
Seventh, you started pretending that you cared.
Eighth, you tried to make me cheat on him.
Ninth, you didn't like her anymore.
Tenth, I tried to ignore you.
Eleventh, you wouldn't stop.
Twelfth, I got sick of him for using me.
Thirteenth, you said I Love You.
Fourteenth, I said it back.
Fifteenth, you did everything you could to make me happy.
Sixteenth, I fell for it.
Seventeenth, I felt like no one else could make me happier.
Eighteenth, I started hearing things.
Nineteenth, I tried to ignore them.
Twentieth, more kept coming.
Twenty first, I talked about it with you.
Twenty second, you said all these bull.
Twenty third, I wasn't convinced.
Twenty fourth, I ended it.
Twenty fifth, you tried to get me back.
Twenty sixth, I couldn't.
Twenty seventh, turns out you were worst than anyone else I knew.
Twenty eighth, you blamed and bothered my friends.
Twenty ninth, you told your ex that you cheated on to bust me.
Thirtieth, I wanted to straight things out.
Thirty first, you said no.
Thirty second, you called me a bitch.
Thirty third, I ignored you.
Thirty fourth, two months later you sent me a message saying I miss you.
Thirty fifth, grow up.
Thirty sixth, fuck you.
Thirty seventh, get a life.

Open It.

Guys, my sister told me about this site that people go to and send in their deepest darkest secret. A site totally filled with confessions from random people, you should check it out. Some are deep, real deep. It gets updated once in a while. You can even put yours in if you want, I haven't tried it myself though.

http://postsecret.blogspot.com/

Ages Ago.

So I was looking through people's blogs just around 10 minutes ago and I found something that these two people wrote. I know its been ages since I've had my appendix operation but hey, better late then never right? So I just wanna thank you guys so much for posting this up on your blogs, but more importantly thanks for going all the way to the other end of Jakarta just to visit me. You guys cheered me up so much. I love you you you, aaaall of you. Oh I just forgot, thank you so much Victor for trying so hard to find the hospital just right when you landed here from Surabaya. I love you too :)

Here's the post on Vannya Istarinda's blog,




Thank you so much V, I love you♥

And here's the post on Dika's blog,



It's hilarious, I swear. There's more to it though if I put it on, this post would fill up the whole page. So just check out his blog, don't forget to follow him!

Thanks guys, thank you so much. I owe all of you.

For Someone Who Needs This The Most.

Hey, if you're reading this then you probably know who you are.
Sweety, I know you too well. And you can't hide anything away from me, even if you try to in every way you could. I know we haven't been friends ever since we were still in baby diapers, but dude we've been on the phone for almost eight hours a bunch of times. And I miss them, now that there's not really time for that. But I try as hard as I can to make the time. You're just different. I can talk to you, about EVERYTHING. Trust me, as easy it is for me to hide things from people. I can't do the same to you. And I know you can't do the same for me too. I know that face beb, that different tone you do whenever there's something wrong. Maybe you think it's hard for other people to notice, but not for me.
And no, don't think that everything's falling apart. Please don't. Cos it's not, and I know for sure. I miss her too sayang, soooo much. The way she kept us all together and those ubber crazy times we've had with her. But hey, with her it's not goodbye yet right? She's coming back, don't worry.
Any guy would kill to be yours, and I'm not saying this for the sake of you being my closest friend and the one who understands me the most. I'm saying this cos I know that no one can deny it. Don't think that he hates you for what you did, I can tell sweety, that deep down he still has those butterflies around you. And what he did over the summer, that was just something he thought of to try to forget about you. And no, don't think of it as a bad thing. He's just trying to move on as much as you're trying too, but in his own way. I know you miss him, I know you still love him, cos I would too and I totally understand. We have something very much in common, it's hard to give up on that one guy. But we have to move on sayang, I know how hard it is cos I'm trying my best to do too. I know that you deserve so much better. There's someone else too, isn't there? Your first. The first guy who gave you those butterflies in your stomach, the one who stayed on the phone with you until you fell asleep, the one you couldn't resist even though he's done too much shit to you, the one who made you cried so much that day and how I hoped you would stop. I tried so hard to defend you, but I'm sorry if it wasn't enough. He's that guy that you would always compare to everyone else, and it's hard not to. But you're strong beb, and you don't know how lucky you are to be that way.
I miss my sister too, and I would to anything right now to make her come back. Thanks for being there for me when I cried in the middle of the night, you cheered me up so much :) Please call me if the same thing happens. But as much as I worry about it, this is something that we both shouldn't be sad about. At least now we know that those days when we used to wish they were gone wasn't really our true feelings. That now we know deep down we love them as much. They're coming back, and when they do we can give them a cuddly hug and tell them how much we miss and love them :)
You know how much I care about you right? And if anything happens, I would try to be there for you even if it means I'd have to lose that guy for you. I would. Don't be scared sayang, he'll be fine. And no you're not moving back to spain because of it. If both of them goes to Spain, you have us back here in Jakarta and you can stay at my place as long as you want. Don't be hasty, think of it as your own home. Don't just hope that he'll be fine, but he will beb I know he will. In the meantime, just pray ya and wait for him to come back healthy :)

So wipe those tears off your face cos I hate hearing you cry, you don't know how much I tried to ignore you on the last day of school when you did. Nothing's falling apart sayang, it's getting its pieces back together. Can't wait for christmas! I Love You.

Goodbyes.

C'mon, you can't deny how hard it is to say goodbye can you?
When everything's just the way you want it to be, haven't you ever wondered when it would end? Just the thought scares me, and you can't imagine how it would be when it comes. Sometimes I try not to, but you just can't get it off your thoughts. It's the one question that I'd love to hear the answer for, where is the 'good' in goodbye? Ha ha. Pretty hard to answer huh?
Well I've tried to see it in a different perspective. Lets put it this way, every goodbye makes the next hello closer, right?
Don't cry because it's over, go and put that smile on your face because it happened. But even if you do, make sure it's tears of happiness. And hey don't forget, it's the end of something simple and the beginning of everything else.